sooner or later, i'll find myself just directing my head towards the wall and bang against it forever.. pressure, stress; who can understand it? i really cannot take it anymore.. i'm like slipping into depression.. i need a shoulder to cry on when i want to.. and i probably feel like that more often then i do in the past.. something is just wrong.. something's not right.. you said that you'll always be there for me when i need you, but you just can't commit to what you said.. you are always not there when i need you, when i get into my fits of anger or when i want to cry.. i don't understand why i feel like that.. why there's this loss in something.. i want to get it back but i can't find it.. these are things you can never understand.. no amounts of sorry can bring it back.. i hate it when you just disappear and my messages go unreplied.. distance. is it distance? i seem to be drifting away. i start to not understand myself. i can suddenly get into this 'icy' mode where i just don't feel like talking or mixing around with other people.. mood swings, getting irritated, feeling alone.. the bottomline is i am just putting up a front.. an image that says "i'm alright, i'm okay.. i can be hyper, i can be what others are" its just fake.. all fake.. i have no self actualization.. i don't know what i want myself..

there's this unknown i do not wish to know.. it gets worse when i am all alone by myself.. in the night i can just listen to my ipod and not fall asleep almost immediately like i used to do.. i need to get myself tired just to get to sleep.. its a bad sign.. i know it.. i really dread knowing the truth.. because i'm afraid of the consequences.. i feel guilty..

i want you to be like before.. i want us to go back to the past.. it seemed so beautiful, none of our worries ever existed in the past.. how nice it would be if time just stopped.. but getting back into the harsh reality is not what we want.. its not i wish.. sometimes i just wish i wouldn't have to get up and face all this.. i want to just live in my dreams, because everything in dreams are perfect..

my frens, just do me a favour and dun ask.. i'll thank you loads.. =)